Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 20

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 20:

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National pasttimes of Thailand include fire control and zebra hunting.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 19

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 19:

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Good things DO come in threes.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 18

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 18:

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Despite what they say on Trading Spaces, it IS possible to have too much brightly colored crap hanging in one room.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 17

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 17:

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A few broken bottles set into the top of your concrete wall keeps the riff-raff out of your yard as effectively as barbed wire.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 16

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 16:

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Lunch

Home Alone, Part VII...

... ok, children... settle down back there... the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated... the truth is, I just got out of the slammer this morning... unlike Tennessee's catch 'n release policy, Illinois has a Draconian 96 hour drunk-tank law... basically, that means that when a feisty copper gets his hands on your drunk ass, he locks you up in a pastel colored cell for the better part of a week... damn sadistic Yankees..

.. anyway, I am sure that you gentle readers have just been on pins and needles waiting to hear more about ole Wang.. Hell, Lord knows I have been wanting to tell you, but they wouldn't allow me access to a computer until they had verified my identity via Interpol...

... ahhh.. where to start?... firstly, let me just say that Wang is a helluva guy... I know what you are thinking, but looks can be deceiving... in my book, anyone who brings me White Castle and Scotch for breakfast is a stand-up guy... Hell, he didn't even want to join me for breakfast - the burgers and Scotch were ALL mine... that, ladies and gentlemen, is a trooper...

.. after I had scarfed down three burgers, Wang started gabbing 100 miles an hour... (see what I mean?.. what a helluva guy.. not interrupting a man's breakfast is one of the cardinal rules of politeness..)..

... in a frenzy, he began... "Where T1G at?... T1G my good, good friend... I need help in hurry.. you like burgers?.. I get you more burgers if you want"...

... "whoa there... calm down, little fella", I said as I took a slug of Scotch... "yeah, Wang... the burgers rocked... but I've had enough... so, what's up?... maybe I can help you"...

... "I need to get out town QUICK!.. police find me, I be big trouble!".. the poor guy... he was nearly in tears...

... but still, at this point, I began to re-think my newly found friendship with Wang...

... "hang on, Wang... you've got the cops looking for you?... what have you done, lil buddy?... Hellfire, you don't look like you'd hurt a fly"...

... "oh, Mr. Eric.. I have confession".. he bowed his head, and continued ..."I smuggler... I know it bad... but once upon a time, I was houseboy to S & M freak... I rather be smuggler... I have dignity in smuggle.... and people pay good price for my goods... oh, Mr. Eric, but I have to get stuff to fence by this afternoon.. if not, then he send big, scary Goons to break my knees... but truck broke down in downtown Stillman Valley.. I not know how to fix it."...

... sweet Lord, people... I was floored.. visions of thugs breaking down the door any minute started flashing through my mind.. I mean, the last thing you expect when you volunteer to house-sit for someone is to become embroiled in a suburban Illinois gangland smuggling ring... who knew that the Stillman Valley was such a hotbed of sin, vice, and intrigue?...

... steadying myself, I looked directly into Wang's tearful eyes..

... "ok, Wang.. spill it... I am willing to help you fix your truck- since you are a friend of T1G's - but I have to know what I am letting myself in for... come clean, little man... what do you smuggle?... drugs? white slaves? teenaged Korean hookers? what?.. if I am going to help, I have to know..."

... well, people.. Wang started to cry... blubbing all over T1G's kitchen table like a little girl... it was horrible, but I persisted... finally, Wang's wailing began to subside, and he started to speak...

... "I smuggle other stuff, Mr. Eric... I am so ashamed... I smuggle..".. Wang stopped for a moment, as if steadying his courage... "I smuggle loads of illegally imported wicker lawn furniture from California to Stillman Valley... I deliver them to Big Daddy McFangus, of McFangus Home Furnishings... he the head of the Stillman Valley's Lawn Furniture Cartel...

... TO BE CONTINUED....

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 15

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 15:

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Not only are Thai girls pretty, but - apparently - their asses are Irish.

Or so I assume from reading this one.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 14

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 14:



After Dorothy left Oz, the Scarecrow got tired of the Cowardly Lion waving his stupid "COURAGE" medal around all the time. During a particularly bad mood, the Scarecrow had the Lion frozen in carbonite and sold the "statue" to Wang.

Cherry

We got some new help in the shop Friday. All I can say is, "WOW!" She's kinda short, and a little round, but she's got all the necessary curves!

You could tell it was the first time in a factory, but she fit in right away. Real easy to get along with, and to get to know. I got to know her well. Very, VERY well! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

As a matter of fact, and I'm not one for braggin', I was the first one to get to use and abuse her! She suprised the hell out of me! And talk about suction... the dirtier things got, the more she sucked! The last one I had seemed to drop off when things got dirty.

I couldn't believe my luck... I never get anything that hasn't been used by everyone else in the shop! But I was this one's first. That damn shop vac is sweet!

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 13

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 13:

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People the world over think that the Pink Panther is cool. Probably because he's always making a French guy look like an idiot.

Not that that's hard to do...

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 12

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 12:

Moderately not-work-safe image behind link

Foghorn Leghorn cuts loose when he parties in Pattaya.

NOTE TO T1G: Your blogsister Sally of Whimsy Capricious has been unable to comment here for some weird reason, but just wanted to let you know that she misses you and wishes you all the best.

Ain't she a sweetie?

Hard to believe she's MY blogdaughter, isn't it? :-)

A Question

Do you get choked up at the very end of "Dead Poets Society?"

You know, when they are all standing on their desks quoting Whitman, "O Captain, my captain"?

Or maybe it's just me. Tears me up. Pass me another tissue, Wang!

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 11

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 11:

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Believe it or not, brothels aren't the ONLY places that are glad to see the US Navy hit port.

Greetings and Salutations From That 1 Guy!

Hey, All,

It's just me checking in. Let me say "hi" and thanks for continuing to stop by while I'm temporarily out of commission. I'd go into details, but I don't want to bore you with tales of misfortune. I can only say one thing while trying to put a positive spin on my situation: After this run of luck, Someone owes me big!

I will probably be out for a bit more, but as you can see, there's been plenty of excitement going on here... all my secrets have been revealed! Keep checking in. I'm sure things are going to get even more interesting! With these two keeping house for me, anything could happen! These guys have been too cool helping me out... or they've been having too much fun running wild through the blog!

One cool thing... I got to visit with a couple of the "Jawja" bloggers last night. Not in person. Just using up all of Eric's minutes! I told you it's been a bad run, so I haven't been in the best of moods, but after visiting with Velociman, Key, Catfish, Georgia (one of the commentors from Acidman's blog), and of course, my blogsitter, Eric himself, I was in a damn good mood! I'm not sure if any of them will remember speaking with me, as they were in the middle of some serious margarita killing (the deadly "pitcher" type!), but it was an enjoyable thing. Indeed! Good speaking with all of you!

Hope to be back in operation soon. I'll give you warning, and let you know that I may get a couple of posts in here or there, but they will be infrequent... my computer is no more.

You all take care!

That 1 Guy

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 10

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 10:

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The only thing more disturbing than "squid on a stick" is contemplating the reason why it's served with a side order of toilet paper, as seen in the upper right of the picture.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 9

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 9:

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So... when T1G claims he met his friend "Wang" at "Boys Town", he ain't talkin' about the one run by Father Flanagan.

Home Alone, Part VI

... yesterday morning, the phone rang and pried me from my slumber.. the guy on the other end sounded quite surprised when I answered...

.. "Where T1G?", he asked...

... "How the Hell should I know, man?.. he's out somewhere on a mission, or something... I'm Eric, and I'm taking care of his place till he gets back.. what do you want?"...

..."uhh.. ok.... uhh... I left stuff over there, and I wondering if I come by and pick it up."...

... still slightly groggy from a fitful night in the sack, I agreed... besides, being cooped up in this house all day with only T1G's journal to keep me entertained was getting old..

... "I don't care, man... c'mon over... ain't nobody here but us chickens... oh, wait... hey, if you don't mind, stop by a liquor store and grab a bottle of Scotch.. T1G's house is driazabone... oh, and maybe stop by a White Castle or something... I'll pay you for it when you get here."...

.. my new friend giggled, and said, ".. no worry, friend... you must be good, good buddy with T1G if he let you take care of house.. I be right over with Scotch and burger"...

... "Bitchin', dude, I'm starving"... and with that, I hung up...

... here is where it starts to get interesting, children...

... half an hour later, this gentleman showed up at the door with a bottle of Famous Grouse, a bag of mini-burgers, and a smile...



... "good morning... I T1G's friend, Wang"...

.... TO BE CONTINUED...

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 8

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 8:

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In Thailand, the people are enslaved by cruel monkey overlords, and must surrender their barstools without argument lest they be horribly punished.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 7

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 7:

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The most popular TV show in Thailand? "Queer Eye for the Straight Birdhouse".

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 6

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 6:

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Peter-Peter's wife is STILL being kept - very well - in Thailand.

Home Alone, Part V

... I called the Bacon Whores this morning and asked for another visit from Tabitha.. man, what a let down... evidently the Management has been misinformed by the poor lass.. I mean, it was not MY journal on the pillow... anyway, they told me that the only "Bacon Whore" they had available was a former circus giant named Otto... so, I declined... but you know, these poptarts really aren't that bad if you crumble them up with your ramen noodles...

... oh, I finished the Schlitz too... without alcohol, I was doomed, so I began searching... but in a hip, Robert Frost kinda way.. you know, "as way leads on to way", and I found a bottle of vodka under the sink with the cleaning products... well, at least it tastes like vodka... as a result, I am feeling quite toasty up here in Illinois...

... anyway, I know you guys don't wanna hear that crap... so, on to the diary... I'm not really sure I should be telling you this... after all, this IS T1G's journal - a collection of his most intimate and private thoughts... but I'm getting a serious case of the willies here, and I need to share.. after all, y'all know how incredibly sensitive I am... The Phantom of the Opera is blaring through in the living room, and I am almost too scared to write this - even after a few stiff ones... mood music, indeed... reading his scribblings along side of the insane organ playing... it's bad, children... bad...

... ahhh... I'd better get to it before I lose my nerve... here, gentle readers, is a small sample of the Hell that I am in right now...

"Today started normally. I rode my Harley into town, and the sun was shining gloriously. I really like my new helmet, too. It is just SO damn shiny!. I saw Mary again, as well. She helped me find that perfumed body lotion that I enjoy so much. The stuff they sell at Bath and Body Works just RAWKS, and I LOVE the smell of roasted pumpkin!

Later, after I parked The Hog my Baby, and waved to Mrs. Jenkins across the road, (you should ALWAYS be nice to old ladies) I wandered through to the back yard to watch MR. and MRS. Squirrel collect nuts. I do so love to see them thriving. Illinois is a bitter, bitter land.

Once inside, I started reading a few blogs. Harvey is THE MAN. But of course, dear diary, you already KNOW that! And then, I came to Eric's Blog Noir post. Well, I very nearly fainted from the rush of blood away from my brain! I mean, I am not exactly hung like a MOOSE, but still! *WHEW*. I need a cold shower, and a stiff drink.

More laterrrrrr, Diary! The night is young, and I am only half-way finished with Amelia and the Outlaw. Since Eric has gotten me all stirred up, I think it is time to DELVE!


... bear witness, rubberneckers.... IAMINHELL!!!!.. T1G... dammit, please... PLEASE.. come back SOON!!

Home Alone, Part IV...

... you guys have no idea how much I like bacon... seriously.. those Bacon Whores rock... bacon and Schlitz, children, the ultimate comfort food..

.. anyway, sorry about the silence... the truth be known, I have been totally without words.. see, I had finally managed (after her 14th visit) to get Tabitha the Bacon Whore to let me show her around T1G's pad... I know, I know, trying to get into a "Bacon Whore's" pants might seem beneath me, but listen... she was every man's dream... gorgeous brown hair.. blue eyes... ubersexy short-shorts... tight tee-shirt... AND she knows how to cook the bejesus outta some bacon... I simply could not resist..

... well, as luck would have it, the first thing she noticed when I finally got her into T1G's bedroom was a dainty little flower-covered book resting on one of the pillows... I hadn't seen it before since I nearly always pass out fall gently asleep on the beanbags... but, there it was.. T1G's diary...

... as I was busting my move, Tabitha picked it up the diary, let out a soft *sigh*, cooed "This is soooo cute!", and read the inscription....

Dear Boobie, may this journal be your safe place, your refuge. The times we have spent riding hogs together are so very, very dear to me. You simply have no idea.

Write, dear friend, write whatever your beautiful heart desires. After all, our desires are what define us.

Your faithful, hog riding pal,

Roger


... needless to say, the bleeding has mostly stopped now... I had no idea that the binding of a book could do so much damage when flung with purpose.. Lord knows, my eyebrow will never be the same... evidently, people in Illinois have multiple definitions of "hog riding".. well, at least Tabitha did...

... anyway, I have spent the last day or so wading through T1G's diary... mercy... the guy we have all come to know and love has some issues, people...

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 5

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 5:

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These people take their tree-decorating seriously.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 4

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 4:

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Life is always better when the beer you're drinking comes in huge-ass bottles.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 3

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 3:

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It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.


Ok, 10,106 miles to Chicago, but still... ain't this freakin' cool?

Home Alone, Part III...

.. well, well, well, rubberneckers... you guys will NEVER guess who was at the door... heh... it seems that someone had heard the news of my trials here in this gastronomic desert, and made a few phonecalls... mmmmmmmmm... cute women cooking bacon for me bacon... I think I could get used to this...

.. more later, I gotta clean the drool grease off of my chin...

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 2

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

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LESSON 2:

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No matter where you go in this big, wide world, the response to "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" is universal.

Home Alone, Part II

... children, I have news....I passed out fell asleep on one of the beanbag chairs last night.. it was pure weakness on my part, and I caved... still, a man can only watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers so many times before Schlitz's start getting shotgunned and chased with nyquil... sorry, folks.. .it is true... T1G is too cheap to buy cable television...

.. just between us, I'm not sure how much longer I can hang in the Drunken Wisdom crib... I mean, check this out... I stumbled through to the kitchen this morning to grub some breakfast, and the first cabinet I opened was stacked - top to bottom - with ramen noodles, tins of tuna (non-dolphin friendly brands too, the bastard), and poptarts... heh.. it is all becoming clear... T1G seems to be trapped in some sort of barracks syndrome... it kinda explains why this place is inspection ready all the time... either that, or he just eats out a lot...

.. anyway, with no cable, it looks like oogling Audrey Hepburn tonight.. just you wait 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!... sheesh... it was bad enough waking up with a hangover, having a tuna'n'mustard-coated chocolate poptart for breakfast, and "Bless your Beautiful Hide" in my head all day... I can not wait to see what tomorrow brings.. boy, the things we endure for our friends...

... uh oh... more later, someone is at the door...

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in Pattaya Beach, Thailand, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 1

(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

Since T1G is technologically disabled, he asked both Straight White Eric and I if we could toss up a few little somethings to keep his site alive while he's down.

Eric's already done his part, so now it's my turn. After all, T1G *is* my beloved blogson.

So here's what I'm thinkin'... I figure one of these days I'm gonna meet T1G face-to-face, and - since we're both veterans - I'll be sharing some of my sea stories.

Which he won't believe, because, well, they're SEA STORIES.

But I've got pictures. And I'm going to dole them out a bit at a time until he comes back.

Now, some of these are a bit... spicy... so if anyone thinks they're inappropriate to the site, just holler and I'll put them behind a link instead of out in the open:

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LESSON 1:

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"Batman" was not only a popular movie in America, it also has a popular following half-way around the globe.

Or at least half-way up this young lady's right thigh.

.. Home Alone, Part I...

... you know, now that I have started looking around, this is a pretty nice place... I've just been hanging out and drinking some beer - trying to soak all of this in... you never really know a blogger until you spend some quality time alone in their house...

... one thing definitely comes across about T1G... this place is CLEAN.. I mean spik and span, people.... really.... it's hard to believe that a bachelor like him could keep a house so tidy... it's almost creepy.. no crumbs on the floor.. no dirty laundry piled up... no garbage cans filled with old vodka bottles... Hell, the drapes actually match the carpet... something is definitely going on here...

... the beanbag furniture is a nice touch though... I had honestly forgotten how comfortable they were.... I bet he really gives e-Bay a workout... there is always a downside though... all he had in the fridge was a case of Schlitz, so I am being forced to make due... having a large Scotch and water while kicking it on this beanbag would have rocked...

... I think I'll watch some television... I sure hope he has cable because I checked out his video collection earlier... I'm not one to kiss and tell, so I won't go into great detail, but how a man that big, who rides a Harley, and is a former Marine can collect that many musicals just boggles my mind... I mean, sure.. I can understand having one or two in your collection, but damn, T1G...

... more later, I just spilled my Schlitz... man, one thing about beanbags that I had forgotten... they may be comfy, but they are NOT absorbent...

Screamin' Meme...

... I've spent the last little bit perusing T1G's blogroll... damn, children.... some of you guys are totally nuts... anyway, I just found this little thinggy over at Refractional Dark... and I thought I'd give it a whirl...

... the rule is, if the line is in BOLD, that means I have NOT done it...

I've never kissed a member of the opposite sex
I've never kissed a member of the same sex
I've never crashed a friend’s car
I've never been to japan
I've never been in a taxi
I've never been in love
I've never had sex in a public place
I've never been dumped (oh, yeah)
I've never done cocaine (only once)
I've never shoplifted
I've never been fired
I've never been in a fist fight (you are kidding, right?)
I've never had group intercourse
I've never snuck out of my parent’s house
I've never been tied up
I've never regretted having sex with someone
I've never been arrested
I've never made out with a stranger
I've never stolen something from my job (just paperclips and pens)
I've never celebrated new years in time square
I've never gone on a blind date
I've never lied to a friend (not that I can recall, anyway)
I've never had a crush on a teacher or professor
I've never celebrated mardi gras in New Orleans
I've never been to Europe
I've never skipped school
I've never slept with a co-worker
I've never cut myself on purpose
I've never had sex at the office
I've never been married
I've never been divorced
I've never had sex with more than one person within the same week
I've never posed nude
I've never gotten someone drunk just to have sex with them
I've never killed anyone
I've never received scars from my sex partner
I've never thrown up in a bar
I've never taken a hallucinogenic drug
I've never purposely set a part of myself on fire
I've never eaten sushi
I've never been snowboarding
I've never had sex at a friend’s house while they were throwing a party
I've never had sex in a dressing room
I've never flashed anyone
I've never met anyone from online

.. damn, there sure were a lot of sex questions...

Howdy...

... good morning, rubberneckers... my name is Eric, and I have been asked to drive the Drunken Wisdom bus for a while.. fellow Jarhead, T1G is currently incommunicado... heh... so you are stuck with me... never fear though, I promise not to break anything... spillage may occur, yeah.. but no breakage...

.. sit back, and chill... I have no idea what you children like, but I'll give it a shot.. .